cranberry juice and grapefruit diet

i finally just slept withmy high school crush. [cheers and applause]right? thank you. thank you,but i swear, now he, like, expects me to goto his graduation.

cranberry juice and grapefruit diet, [laughter] like i know where i'm gonnabe in three years, right? i'm like, "whoa!" slow it down.

[bleep]ing kids, right? [bleep]ing... you look, like, upset.like, i don't [bleep] kids. that's a joke. like, i would never-- i shouldn't say never. that's like--you don't know-- i feel like i just paintedmyself in a corner there. but, um, that's nota good way to start.

this is a beautiful theater. i should have started off with somethingother than kid [bleep]ing. you guys are right. start over.class it up. my mom's a [bleep].hear me out. i know, like, not everyone'scomfortable with that word. half of you were like,"ugh," right? "no, don't say that,"

and the other half of youwere like, "oh, my god. what a coincidence." i brought herto a soccer game 'cause i wanted to show herwhat boundaries looked like, you know? i was like, "look." she's like,"i don't see 'em." i'm like,"i know. i know. stop calling my friends,how about that?"

she's always braggingabout the dumbest stuff. the other day shewas telling me, she was like, "you know, i can still fitin my wedding dress," i was like, "oh, my god.who cares?" right? i mean, it is weirdthat she's the same size now as she was when shewas eight months pregnant, but i just-- i don't thinkbragging's cool. a little about me.

i took plan "b"about ten days ago. um...[cheering] thank you.oh, my god, you guys. only clap if you mean it. uh... i did. you know--you know what it is? there are some people here--it's the morning-after pill. i take it the night before'cause i'm smart.

but some people like to--i'm with you good people. i believe birthbegins at conception. so i just, like,beat that shit.